That’s a lot of douchey “shun” words to start a day with… but that pretty well describes what I’ve been thinking and feeling this week so I had to douche it up a little.
I didn’t have anything big and exciting to write about when it comes to running this week so I didn’t want to write this. Then Andy reminded me that it’s not all lollipops and rainbows and I said I was going to write about the crap weeks too. And he was right. And here I am.
This week started out rosy with a great run (even with a cold) on Monday. I was super motivated to get right back into my home routine after vacation and rock on. Tuesday I had a Black Street Stairs workout with Alison and Quinn. I got dropped off on Main Street to pick up a few things and planned to run the 1km to the stairs. I started to run and instantly pain shot up the inside of my leg starting at my ankle. It’s been bugging me on and off but never instantly like this, and not usually so sharp. It has often been sore at the end of a run but never the beginning. After about 2 minutes of running on it I realized it wasn’t going to go away, so I dialed it back to a walk to the stairs.
I did my 30 minutes of stair hell and it was a good workout. My leg was sore but manageable at a walk. The stairs reminded me that I can’t leave them for three weeks and come back easy peasey. That night I was sore, and my leg was very sore. I had a hard time weight bearing on it because it hurt so much. I don’t know specifically what is wrong with it but it is taking a pounding from running and it’s telling me to fuck right off. I don’t want to fuck off. I actually, really want to run and I am frustrated and angry that I can’t. Three months ago I never would have imagined that would be a thought my brain could have. But there it is. I’m pissed off at my body. I’m pissed off at myself for having this crap body that I created. I’m frustrated. I’m angry.
On top of this my diet has been shit this week. I’m not eating mindfully. I’ll have a great meal and start the day out awesome and by the end of the day I’ve thrown away my good start. I’m not going crazy with all day ice cream feasts and deep fried smorgasbords or anything like that but I’m so not rocking it. Why is my mind in the game with exercise but not with food and why can’t I get it there? I don’t know… I’m frustrated about this too. I’m angry at myself.
So. Angry and frustrated I turned to my love of Pinterest for a little fitsporation. Did you know it mostly sucks? There’s some good stuff but really, a lot of it is bullshit.
We’ve probably all seen this one.
No. Just no. That is about zero % of the reason I’m doing this. Don’t get me wrong, if that happens it will be a nice side effect. But if that was my motivation I’d have quit already. That’s a shit reason to change your life.
How about this?
If that were true then I have never really ran. Not once. That’s bullshit. I fucking run.
And this complete piece of crap.
THOSE ARE NOT THE ONLY TWO OPTIONS! What idiot made this?
Actually, often you’re legitimately hungry. Go fuck yourself.
So instead of getting the motivational kick I wanted I grumped at fitsporation for a while. And then I stewed about how much it sucks and how there must be something good out there. And then I thought about why I was doing this in the first place and why I felt I needed that external kick anyway. I still don’t really know. Maybe the honeymoon is over and now that I’m really in to it I need to dig deeper. I know that normally I would have quit before now and even if I’d made it this far this funk I’m currently in would usually result in quit city.
I’m not quitting though.
I just need to find my jam again. I can’t let one crap week of leg injury, and a cold and bad eating get me so down.
So here are a few that I liked. And I liked them not because they gave me new motivation, but because they reminded me of shit that I already know, that I already think, that I’ve already written.
I’ve written this before. I’m so tired… I’m weary… I’m sick of giving up and then starting over and over and over. I won’t do it again; this is it.
I’ve done this, I’m doing this now. It have to keep doing it. All the time.
This, so this. I am already thanking myself for starting (almost) three months ago. I’ve come so far already and I want to feel the same again three months from now.
A crap week doesn’t mean that I can give up. This will not be my last crap week. I’m sure there will be even crappier ones. Much, much crappier ones. And I need to be able to push through them without being a big baby whiner.
My motivation can’t come entirely from one place. Not from fitsporation, not from my friends, not from my family, not from this blog, not from James. Getting motivation (and a lot of it) from each is a great thing, but if I rely on any one too much it will inevitably fail me. It has to come mostly from me. How I dig into that when I need it is another matter that I haven’t quite figured out yet. I need it now, and I’m digging… hopefully I’ll hit the pay dirt soon.
But regardless of whether I’m feeling motivated or not I am determined.
Determined not to quit this time.
Determined to be healthy.
Determined to reach my goals.
Determined to take another step.