We’re 17 days in to 2016 and my “New Year, With No Mistakes in it” already has so, so many. Why haven’t I written for 17 days you ask? Shame I think. Yeah, pretty much shame. I talk a big game; apparently my follow through still needs some attention.
The work is good. The running is good. Great even. But I haven’t done what I said I was going to do, and that chafes. Tony Horton and I haven’t seen each other in a while. I fully, publicly committed on this blog to 90 days of P90X3. Have I done that? No and very no. I like Tony. I like his philosophy and his workouts, but man are they fucking hard! So, no follow through on that one. I also said in the context of “shit is going to get real” that there would be no booze for a while and no smokes forever. Have I done that? Again, no and very no. FUCK! I suck so badly sometimes and I really didn’t want you all to know. Many people have told me that I am inspiring them, and I find that a heavy responsibility to carry. I fail often, and I feel like an inspiration shouldn’t. But that’s not real, and I started this thing to be real. So the reality is… I fail. I fail a lot. I feel like I shouldn’t be anyone’s inspiration because I still feel like I need so much inspiration. I’m sorry that I’ve let you down, but that’s the truth.
Alright, pity party over… Back to the work. James asked me a couple of weeks ago to commit to a minimum of 30 minutes of activity a day without excuse. I’ve done that at least. That I can do. We were chatting the other day and I told him that it’s easy (relatively speaking) to do the things he tells me to do. The hard part is not doing the things I should not do. Why? No fucking clue.
When I stopped hanging with Tony and his P90Xing I felt pretty crap about it. After kicking myself in arse multiple times I thought about what I really liked to do. What I knew I would stick with (other than the running of course, always the running). I came back to combat. It feels like home. I so love punching and kicking, and the combat program is where I really found my first success a few years ago. So I went back to it. I’ve been doing combat workouts almost daily and running a few times a week on top. I’ve also been punching and kicking the pads with James (So. Much. Fun.). So as I said at the beginning, the work is good. Actually I feel great about the work I’m doing… the calories I’m burning… the sweat and soreness and pain… that part is all good. That shit is still real.
But I’m still doing something wrong. The weight isn’t melting off. It’s nutrition. It has to be; because the work is there. I committed at the beginning of the year to tracking everything that goes into my mouth and I’ve done that believe it or not. I know it’s too much and I don’t make enough good choices. I need to change that. I’ve just finished a block at my job which was sometimes great and sometimes shit and the week is new. I’m looking at five days off… five days to get it right. I’m going to take it a day at a time. As my Jedi says, just today. Just do today. I look at today and think I can do it right. But really I need to break it down more than that. I need to do just the next hour, the next ten minutes, the next minute. I can get the next minute right; of course I can. Then I must do the next, and the next, one at a time.
I have so much support. So much love. So much faith from my friends and family. I feel like I’m letting you all down. I’m so sorry. It should be “new year, new you” right? But it feels more like “new year, new watch, new shoes, same old shitty you”.
I need to turn this around. Maybe I’m just tired from night shift and feeling sorry for myself. I don’t know. What I do know is that I have a full week of fitness ahead of me. Workouts with Jenna, with Alison (hopefully) and most definitely with James. I can do the work. I like the work. Maybe that’s just part one. Part one has come together, it’s good. Now I need to focus on part two… nutrition. I can do this. I know I can do this.
So get real princess. Get your shit together and do this. You can. You so can.
Perhaps I lied earlier when I said pity party over. This whole entry was kind of a pity party. But I do want to be real, not for your sympathy but just for the reals. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows here, however there are still things to be thankful for. Cameron’s encouragement and belief in me. My family’s love and support. My friends who stay with me through good times and bad. My Jedi who is a guy that sticks, even when I suck. My readers and followers who deserve the truth, and the truth you will have. I’m in a hard place, but I won’t quit because of all of you. Thank you.
~P² (Andy assures me that P² is both nerdier and cooler than PP… I tend to agree) 😉
Here’s a shot of the beginning of my night shift the other night. Buffy, salad, coffee and running magazines. It was a day that I got it right. Here’s to more of those.