No Eyes

Why the fuck did I choose running?

That was my thought during most of my mediocre run today. Running sucks. It really does. Stopping running, as glorious as it is, failed to be enough for me today. I gave zero shits about stopping. I just did not want to run. So I didn’t.

I’d love to say I did it in spite of my crap attitude, but that would be a big ol’ lie. Realistically I ran a hell of a lot more and a hell of a lot faster than I would have at this time last year (zero running at that time)… But once that thought took over I just stopped and walked with my dogs around my neighbourhood. I enjoyed the sun and the warmth and the wearing of shots and a tank top in the Yukon in April and didn’t care that I wasn’t running anymore. It was quite good.

I’ve been away for a while; I know. I was reading a weight loss blogger’s book earlier this month and she said that usually when we disappear it means we’ve failed, we’re off the wagon, kaput. I think that’s generally true but it’s not the case for me. I actually rocked the last month. I just didn’t feel like writing about it. I’ve had runs and stairs and fire hall shenanigans. Here’s me copping an unintentional feel on rescue Randy while trying to pick him up and drag him around.

I realized this month now that there are more photos of me being taken (because I don’t run and hide as much when a camera comes out) that when I smile big it looks like I have no eyes. I had no idea this occurred. It’s concerning to me because I smile and laugh a lot. Like really a lot. And then my eyes just dissapear. I don’t understand how I can still see when I’m smiling. Why am I just realizing at 33 that this happens?!?! How could I have made it this far in life without knowing? I’ve been pondering this for days. The picture above is about half power no eyes. It gets worse from there. I’ve decided I’m just going to try to return to my blissfully ignorant days when I thought I had eyes all the time and forget the horrid truth. I can be fairly skillful at not thinking about things I don’t want to think about… Unless those things are “ErMahGerd my legs feel heavy and I’m so tired and I want to stop running now please.” Still can’t banish that little gem.

After a distressed conversation with Cameron about having no eyes when I smile I chose this as my Netflix profile picture:

Cam saw it the next day and found it hilarious. He knew instantly why I chose it being clever and funny himself. You have to be able to laugh at yourself right? Especially when you’re super clumsy and have no eyes.

Last week I finally hit 20 pounds lost after many grueling months of hard work. I feel generally pretty strong and fit now especially compared to last year when I was generally pretty squishy and weak. I still have a long way to go but I feel good and my body continues to change weekly in amazing ways. Last week Cameron, Alison, Gillian, James and I did the 20 pound sand carry up the Black Street stairs and dumped the sand at the top with that weight never to appear again on my body. It was a really amazing experience that I am so thankful for. This was probably Alison’s best idea ever and when I get around to editing the video we took I’ll post that along with my revelations about losing 20 pounds and then carrying it up one million stairs… Hopefully later this week, although I make no promises.

There have been a couple of highlights over the last few weeks.  Of course the best thing was losing 20 finally and the sand carry with my friends… But other than that the coolest thing that happened to me was that James took me shooting. This was not only a weight loss highlight, but a life highlight. I had so much fricking fun, and I didn’t deserve it. Not a bit.

James sent me coordinates and told me to meet him there at a specific (and early) time and be prepared for a couple hours of “straight up ninja”. I was excited and scared and looking forward to it. But when the appointed early time came I found myself tired and grumpy and more princess than ninja. The workout began with running uphill which I was less than thrilled about and could not do. Hills have ever been my enemy and I would rather gouge my eyes out than run or walk up them. Then again I’m a big fan of seeing so that’s not really true. But the fact remains, I hate hills. I was a little twat about it to be honest. I didn’t even try that hard. I just grumped up the hill with no idea about the amaziness James had in store for me. I like to think I’d have been a bit less awful if I knew… But I’ll never know.

After three kilometers of grumpy princess we arrived at a gun range. When I realized he was taking me shooting I was immediately ashamed of my behaviour and “I can’t”s and knew I didn’t deserve the fun that was coming. He forgave me instantly and took me shooting anyway. Perhaps I’d stocked up enough ninja points in previous workouts, perhaps that’s just his nature. Either way… It was amazing. I had shot a handgun only once about eight years ago and I was not very good at it. I’ve a lot of rifle experience from working at summer camp and have always loved shooting. I believe people should have a license to own guns as we do in Canada and I have a firearms license, but I haven’t done a lot of shooting. Check out this video of our super fun happy good shooting times.

Let me tell you that I ran my little (Big? Medium sized? Strong?) ass off on the way down the hill after the shooting to make up for my awfulness on the way up. I got my fastest km and fastest mile on the way down. Yes it was downhill but yes I was also working hard to make up for princessing out on the way up. This was an experience I will never forget. Thank you Jedi.

I turbo fired faithfully for a couple of weeks while Cameron p90x3’d faithfully… Then we skipped one night. Then another night. Then a week. Honestly. Will I ever be able to do the crap I say I’m going to do? I hope so. Turbo and running and weight watchers helped me get to that 20 pound mark. I’m back on it now and must continue if I want to keep getting results. I know this in my brain. Now I need my body to stop being a douche and listen to it.

I’ve been working hard on my motorbike skills. That first time on the highway was terrifying and also exhilarating. I’m not sure if there’s a better way to travel on a warm and sunny day. I’ll let you know how I feel once I’ve ridden on a cold and rainy day. I suspect it will not be quite so pleasant. But I’m in it now. Cameron and I bought a KLR650 for me and I both love it and am a little scared of it. It’s amazing and so much more comfortable on the highway than my little xt225 with a lot more wind protection and power. It is also a lot heavier and may or may not be easy to drop. There’s no way to know. However if I did drop it once while trying to park right in front of the windows of Boston Pizza there was probably a dude with tattoos all the way up and around the back of his bald head and neck and wearing a hoodie that said something or other “prison” that walked up to me and said “it’s ok honey, we’ve all done it”. I’m not even shitting you. That might have really happened to me last week. It actually made me feel a little better about dropping it. The fact that Cameron installed the crash bars the day before also helped. Here’s our bikes together, mine is the black awesomeness on the left.

The last two weeks since I’ve hit 20 pounds lost I’ve been in a bit of a lull. James has been focused on his own training this month as he has competitions coming up for Fire Combat and I’ve fallen down without him. I guess I’ve been leaning on him pretty hard for motivation and inspiration and advice and when he stepped away I just kind of fell over. It sucks but I think it’s really a good thing and let me be clear – this is not his fault, this is all me. I think it’s ok to lean on your trainer a bit but the time has probably come that I get up on my feet and do it on my own. Or at least be able to do it on my own. Don’t worry, James hasn’t abandoned me… I really don’t want you think that because it’s not true. He’ll be back around again regularly after his competitions and such and if he’s not I’ll probably punch him pretty hard. That would be super ironic because he’s trained me to be able to punch really hard. Although I suppose I’d have to catch him first and I really can’t do that yet. No punching will be required though, worry not.

A few other highlights this month were lots of stairs with Alison, swimming with Jenna, playing music in a bar in front of humans with Josh, and running a personal best 5k with just my thoughts and my music and no running buddy. The last one was great because I suck at running on my own. I just think about how much I hate running. This one time I was able to forget that and actually push myself hard enough for my best time. I can’t tap into that superpower most of the time. I thought it would get easier as I got fitter but it has not. I can’t strip away the pain and the fatigue and the thoughts and just run. I keep thinking maybe one day that will happen and oh it will be glorious and make it all worth it… And maybe that’s why I keep running… Because some day I might love the run. It’s possible that one day I’ll feel light, and fast and free.

If I quit now, I’ll never know.

Plus, sometimes I get to shoot guns.



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